Yesterday was Mother’s Day. Robyn’s first as a “real” mom – with kids who were actually outside of her own body, that is. I tried my best to take some of the burden of caring for Chloe and Gabriel off of her shoulders for the day. Taking them for a long walk, handling the feedings by myself and giving Robyn a chance to get out of the house to get a pedicure were my Mother’s Day presents to her. Later in the day, my mother in law and Jay and Douglas came over for dinner. Patty and Hannah were not feeling well, so they stayed home. It was nice, as always, to see them. We don’t all get together as frequently as we used to.

I spoke with my mom earlier in the afternoon and I felt bad that we would not see her on Mother’s Day, but we’re planning on having her come down sometime in the next few weeks – the first time since the holidays. I am grateful that my cousin had invited her to have dinner with them on the holiday. It’s sometimes hard to live so far from my mom and I sometimes find myself missing her at odd times. My mom is not your “average” mom (whatever that is!). She’s not like the other “mothers” who have been or are now part my life, but she’s the real mom who’s been there since I was born.

My Mom is sort of a hard woman to get to know. She’s not one of those people who, when involved in a conversation, will simply offer up unrequested bits of information about herself. Looking for her opinion on something? You better be prepared to really ask for it. Over the past several years, I have been trying to get to know my mother as a person – not just as the woman who gave birth to and raised me – but as the person she was before I was born and as the person she is today. Sure, I think I know the woman remembered from my childhood, but so much of those memories are tainted by imperfect memory and the seemingly happy twist that I’ve (perhaps) subconsciously put on things. Sometimes, getting information from my mom is a bit like pulling teeth. The questions I ask are sometimes very vague and open ended and don’t produce the results that I’m looking for. Sometimes, with enough digging, I get some unexpected answer and sometimes, I get a story that totally changes my perspective on my mother or my family or some past event that has faded from my memory.

My Mom doesn’t freely offer advice. Many of my friends complain that their mothers know too much about or are involved too closely with their daily lives. Not here. My mom is pretty much hands-off. At times in the past, that’s exactly what I needed. When you’re in your late teens, just experimenting with the freedoms that come with that age, no one wants their mother involved in their personal things. I appreciated her leaving me alone. I was probably not the best son that I could have been as I was largely absent and unavailable to her when she needed me. I think back on this time when my grandmother passed away and my mom got sick and was in the hospital and I am ashamed of myself for how selfish I was. I’ve never apologized to her for that. Looking back, the single piece of advice that I needed at that time was probably “Get over yourself and look at what is going on. Your family needs you.”

But now, I think I have learned a little more about what is important in life. After all, I am an adult now with a family of my own with a whole host of experiences both under my belt and plenty still to come. I want my mom to be involved in those personal things and to give me her opinions on the way that things should be done. I’ll either heed her advice or I won’t, but at least I’ll have something to go on. I want her to call us on the phone and remind us to rub Vix on the kids’ chests when they have a bad cough or to make sure that we have bread and milk in the house because there is some bad weather on the way. Sometimes, those stories of annoying, over-involved moms don’t sound so bad.

I’m not saying that my mother was not active in my upbringing. I was generally a pretty decent kid who didn’t need to be watched every moment of the day to make sure that I stayed out of trouble. Being a bit of a nerd, it was not until my late teens that I experimented with so many of the distractions that often lead much younger children astray. One thing for which I will always be grateful to my mom was her willingness to act as chauffeur during my early years of involvement with the martial arts. She never really questioned my desire for more training. I think she saw that this was something positive in my life that was also very important to me. Maybe she just didn’t have anything to do with her Tuesday and Thursday nights for two years of her life? Whatever the reason, she had the prescience to see that this was a good thing for me. It has probably turned out to be the single biggest positive impact on the direction of my life.

Undoubtedly, I get the reserved, quiet side of my personality from my mom. This side of my character is one with which I struggle and I find myself having to work hard to overcome when quiet and reserved are just not appropriate. Because of this, I find that I am often frustrated by my mom’s quiet demeanor. Sometimes I just want her to be more aggressive and come right out and tell me what she thinks or to tell me how she feels about something. But, another part of me says “Who are you to judge? This is who your mother is. She doesn’t try to change you so why should you try to change her?” I guess I somehow feel like she’s missing out on something by not speaking her mind. Or maybe I’m missing out on something by her not speaking her mind. I don’t know….

In any case, here’s to you, Mom on this day-after Mother’s Day! Love ya!